We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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