I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Randomize
