You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
