I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
