I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Randomize
