Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
