I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
The cops high fived after they tackled you
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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