I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
Whoa Z and x make the same sound
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
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