I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
