I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
