I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
vagina is talking i cant
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Randomize
