Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
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