i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
you will always have a special place in my vag
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
being pregnant is like rehab
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
