Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
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