I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
