I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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