we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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