She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
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