He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
