guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Randomize
