i'm lost and i look like a hooker
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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