you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Randomize
