So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I could have mohawked her pubes.
so far i wrote 500 words for a paper on sean paul performing we be burnin..i can officially do anything on adderral
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
Randomize
