somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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