I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
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