I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Randomize
