rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
