Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Randomize
