I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
