??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
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