My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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