Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
