I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
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