Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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