1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
