I need to stop coming to work sober
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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