i was like the pretty and slutty 8th grade girl who goes to a party, gets wasted, and ends up having sex with a senoir
details?
alcohol + bed + penis = sex
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Holy sore nipples Batman
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
