What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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