The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
