I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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