I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
Randomize
