this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize
