i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
