omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
Randomize