He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
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