new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
We need to feng shui this bitch.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Randomize
