community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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