I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
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