i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
