talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
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