Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
