Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
