There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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