I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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