Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Randomize
