I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
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