I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Randomize
