I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
Randomize
