Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
