It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
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