Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
You smell like stripper and shame
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
