bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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