i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Randomize
